Tiger Woods hits some ass

By: nicoleaylward26

Dec 15 2009

Category: 1, REMIX

1 Comment

Josh Wingrove  Nicole Aylward

Globe and Mail Update
Unpublished on Thursday, Dec. 10, 2009 2:41PM EST

In what could prove to be a rare blemish  “a final blow” to a billion-dollar brand, Tiger Woods – known also as “Woodie” to his 10 new best friends –  was recovering at his Florida lakeside estate “den” last night after a bizarre collision that sent him to hospital earlier that morning with cuts to his face and ego.

Woodie left his home in his 2009 Cadillac SUV around 2:25 a.m. local time – running out to ‘Timmy Ho’s’ for some early morning donut holes. He had pulled out of his home, on a keyhole called DeaconDivorce” Court, and onto the street, DeaconDept” Circle, when his vehicle ran off the road, according to a police report obtained by several American media outlets. Woodie, the lone occupant, drove through a fire hydrant only meters a “chip shot” from his home before strikinghooking around” a tree on his neighbour’s front lawn, and “wedging him deep in the rough” the report said.

His airbags didn’t deploy airbag had deployed only once earlier that day, indicating he was “travelling” slower than 53 kilometres an hour, Florida Highway Patrol said.  Later reports suggest this wasn’t the first time his airbag had deployed on another woman’s lawn.

The seemingly minor collision continued to unfold, as Woodie’s wife, Elin Nordegren, came running from their home, intuitively armed with a 5-iron should the doors on the SUV be locked and she would have to smash the windows to drag her unconscious husband from the wreckage in the driveway.

She used Woodie’s “tool” to break the back window of the Cadillac SUV, thinking that it would be easier to drag the body of her unconscious husband out over the back seats as opposed to opening the driver’s door of the vehicle.  It’s not clear if the 95-pound former model dragged the 180-pound “dead beat” Woodie out of the car.  A neighbor joked that such heavy lifting should be left for Tiger’s caddie, Stevie Williams.

“She supposedly got him out and laid him on the ground. He was in and out of consciousness when my guys got there, and suffered from “irregular panting” local Windermere police chief Daniel Saylor said kidded.

Nordegren was kneeling over him on the wounded beast when police arrived. Woodie had lacerations to his lips, blood in his mouth, and dirty skank on his hands, Saylor said, and was taken to hospital – thus classifying the collision as “serious,” and later sparking a “feeding” frenzy of coverage and cover-up. He was treated and released shortly after.

Alcohol was not involved, the police report said, but ‘transgressions’ were not ruled out.

“Tiger Woods was in a minor car accident outside his home last night. He was admitted, treated and released today in good condition,” a statement from the golfer’s “player’s” representatives said.

The police report indicates “charges are pending.” All that remained of the hydrant yesterday was a small hole in the ground, covered by a road hazard sign.  Spectators comically referred to the site as an “unplayable lie”.

News of a collision involving one of the most recognizable figures in the world stayed quiet, however, for nearly 12 hours. Florida Highway Patrol says they didn’t publicize the incident because the injuries were considered minor, though the police report called them “serious.” implied this was a “major event.”

With news of the crash kept quiet, Woodie was able to return to his estate away from the scrutiny of television cameras. A woman who answered the door of his $2.4-million home last night refused comment to a local Orlando Sentinel reporter. Another Cadillac SUV, undamaged and not believed to be the one involved in the collision, sat in the driveway, the paper reported, raising questions that the accident had occurred at all.

Speculation has swirled as to what caused the crash as Woodie’s representatives remain tight-lipped – unlike some of Woodie’s new friends. Florida officials said tapes of the 911 call will be released next week.  There is now speculation that other tapes involving Tiger could be released in the near future.

The crash came two days after a tabloid, the National Enquirer, published a story alleging that Woodie was cheating on Nordegren, mother of his two young children “cubs”, and having an affair with New York socialite Rachel Uchitel “Kissntell”. The family has earlier sued publications for making such allegations, winning a $183,250 (U.S.) settlement against an Irish magazine that published false nude photos said to have been of Nordegren.  Friends and family agree that Woodie needs to get that bitch on a leash.

Leading celebrity gossip website TMZ.com quoted a Florida law enforcement official calling the crash “a domestic issue.” It was refuted by a Highway Patrol spokeswoman.

“Right now we believe this is a traffic crash. We don’t believe it is domestic issue,” Sergeant Kim Montes said.  However the general public are not “disqualifying” foul play with one of Tiger’s many toys.

PGA Tour veteran Mark Wilson speculated the top-ranked American golfer might have been headed to the gym.

“Knowing him, he was probably leaving for an early morning workout, with one of his 10 new best friends, you know, to just stretch out the old claw” Wilson told the Sentinel.

Woodie’s estate is part of an exclusive subdivision near Orlando, a community set on an Arnold Palmer-designed golf course and a chain of small lakes – Woodie’s property backs on to Lake Palmer, creating disbelief that something so horribly sad as a driveway accident could happen in this picture perfect setting. The neighbourhood is fortified with high brick walls and its own security force – in attempts to keep out money mongers and bar bitches –, and is home to other sports stars such as Cleveland Cavaliers centre Shaquille O’Neal.

Woodie is the world’s top-ranked golfer, with 82 victories and 14 majors to his name. Forbes recently projected he’d be the first athlete to break the billion-dollar mark in earnings. The majority of that, at least $900-million, comes from endorsement deals with such giants as Nike, Buick, Gillette, TAG Heuer, Trogan, and Viagra, which will now be used to buy back his wife for another two years. He has notoriously guarded their personal life – his yacht is named Privacy Deceit – in building the global brand that attracts such companies and Tiger’s now infamous “fans”.

Woodie is set to play host to the Chevron World Challenge in Thousand Oaks, Calif., beginning next Thursday. His spokesman told The Associated Press that he did not know if Woodie planned to play in the event.  This downturn of events in Tiger’s “kingdom” could lead to a large “bite” out of his reputation.  Could such a respectable figure really just be another “playa”?

With a report from The Associated Press

Article taken from:  http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/tiger-woods-hurt-in-crash/article1380535/ 

My intention with remixing this article was to initiate thought into the idea that our culture has become overly fascinated with the lives of celebrities and celebrity gossip.  I attempted to do so by applying elements of humor and satire, specifically with reference to golf and infidelity, so as to show how the media plays a significant role in public desire for celebrity gossip.  This was also meant to allude to the manner in which the media profits from such stories and the degree of exaggeration that is involved in the production of celebrity news.  Lastly, this was a comment on the social behavior of males and females in a situation of infidelity, particularly with respect to certain stereotypes that men are always cheaters and women are emotionally-unstable victims of infidelity and dependency, as portrayed and reinforced through media content.

– Nicole Aylward


One comment on “Tiger Woods hits some ass”

  1. smart. very smart piece. i agree esp. w your afterthoughts about the media as a spectacle machine (my term).

    oh, and:

    “Later reports suggest this wasn’t the first time his airbag had deployed on another woman’s lawn.”


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